Key Grip Read online

  Contents

  * * *

  Title Page

  Contents

  Title

  Dedication

  Preface

  Epigraphs

  1. Starting at the Bottom Again

  2. Just Pears

  3. Meeting at the Water’s Edge

  4. The Pipe

  5. One Day

  6. Leaving the Garden

  7. When You Finish Your Beer

  8. Jump

  9. Grace

  10. No Feeling of Falling

  11. The Long Road

  12. The Second Person

  Acknowledgments

  Bread Loaf and the Bakeless Prizes

  Connect with HMH

  Copyright © 2008 by Dustin Beall Smith

  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

  For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to [email protected] or to Permissions, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company, 3 Park Avenue, 19th Floor, New York, New York 10016.

  www.hmhco.com

  The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:

  Smith, Dustin Beall, date.

  Key grip : a memoir of endless consequences

  / Dustin Beall Smith,

  p. cm.

  ISBN 978-0-547-05369-1

  1. Smith, Dustin Beall, date. 2. Grips (Persons)—United States—Biography. 3. Authors—United States—Biography. 4. Motion picture industry—United States. I. Title.

  TR849.S53.A3 2008

  778.5'3092—dc22 [B] 2008001530

  The author would like to thank the following publications in which many of these essays first appeared: “No Feeling of Falling,” Alaska Quarterly Review; “Starting at the Bottom Again,” River Teeth; “The Second Person,” Hotel Amerika; “Meeting at the Water’s Edge,” Louisville Review; “Leaving the Garden” (originally titled “Working with the Savages”) and “One Day,” Gettysburg Review; “Just Pears” (originally titled “Still Life”), “The Pipe,” and “Grace,” Quarto; “Augury” (originally titled “A Promise of Renewal”), New York Times Magazine.

  eISBN 978-0-547-52602-7

  v2.0518

  For my incomparable daughter, Trellan Karr Smith

  Preface

  Augury

  BY MY SIXTEENTH YEAR as a key grip in the film industry, the glamour I once associated with making movies had long since disappeared. The grinding fourteen-hour days, the relentless pressure of budgets and scheduling, the dirt and grime in the studios, the incessant rhythm of building up and tearing down—all those things had so encrusted the Oscar, so to speak, that when it came to movie stars and all that hoopla, I couldn’t have cared less.

  But when I was called in September 1986 to interview for a film starring Jack Nicholson, all my professional cynicism crumbled, and I caught myself thinking as much about the star of the film as the technical challenge. When I watched a Nicholson film, I saw aspects of myself—in the womanizing Robert Dupea of Five Easy Pieces, the rebellious Randle McMurphy in One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest, and the blocked writer from The Shining, Jack Torrance. I’d danced the proverbial edge. And I thought it would be fun to work with this guy who so perfectly captured the precarious pleasures of being a man in the modern world. I wanted the job—badly.

  So I took off a couple of hours from the film we were shooting in Queens, and I showed up for my 10 A.M. interview at the Park Lane Hotel on Central Park South. The director of photography, a young Brazilian fellow, met me in the lobby. If, after our talk, he found me suitable for the job, he would then call the producers down from their suite to meet me. That was the drill. It was important to him that he make a sound decision since the person he chose as key grip would be responsible, along with the grip crew, for much of the lighting, many of the moving shots, and all of the special rigging—in other words, the behind-the-scenes, get-your-hands-dirty aspect of movie making.

  We ordered coffee, and he told me I had come highly recommended by several people he knew. Then we talked. He told me about the script, which had been adapted from the William Kennedy novel Ironweed.

  “Meryl Streep will costar,” he said.

  “Very cool,” I answered.

  We got along well, and I liked him, but he was holding something back. So I fell silent for a moment and stared at my coffee.

  Finally, he said, “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?”

  “Of course not,” I said. I knew what was coming.

  “Do you drink?”

  Just hearing the question was like being punched in the stomach. “Not for about five years,” I said.

  “But you used to? You had a problem?”

  I was stunned. Why was my past being thrown on the table after all this time, and by a Brazilian who had just entered the country?

  “Yes, I did. I had a problem,” I said.

  “I’m sorry to have to ask you such a thing,” he said, “but the people upstairs brought it up. You are not on their list of candidates, it seems.”

  I could hear the door slam, but I didn’t flinch. I thought of pleading that I was hardly the only person in the film business who had fallen victim to its once-fashionable excesses. But I didn’t.

  “All I can tell you,” I answered, “is that I don’t drink anymore.”

  “Fine,” he said. “I want them to meet you.”

  Either he was being kind, I thought, or very naive. In any case, he asked me to wait. I sat there watching the rain fall in windy sheets over Central Park, and I knew I wasn’t going to get the job.

  Five years earlier, as a way of maintaining the edge that I had so blithely started walking in the 1960s, I was consuming daily several six-packs of beer, a fifth of Jack Daniel’s, assorted wines and brandies, as much cocaine as I could get, and periodic tokes of marijuana to keep the lid on.

  That was the summit of my consumption, and I teetered there for some time—until age forty-one, to be exact. The last time I tried to work on that regimen, however, I was fired. The ax fell in Philadelphia, during happy hour, when I climbed up on the bar, brandished the master key to the safe-deposit boxes of the hotel in which we were staying, and urged those present to help me loot the place. One of those at the bar happened to be Dino De Laurentiis, the executive producer of the film we were doing. They let me sleep it off, but the ticket home was under my pillow.

  Two weeks after that incident, on Christmas Eve 1981, I quit. First the booze, later the cigarettes, and then the drugs—all the drugs.

  With help, I started to pick up the pieces. Ripping the cover off the previous ten years, I found lying there broken friendships, busted love affairs, moldy dreams, unkept promises, a pathetic record as my daughter’s father, an empty wallet, some IRS bills, and a directory filled with the phone numbers of people who would never hire me again.

  No magic bullet could expunge this record. But somehow, time passed and life went on. People forgave or forgot or, increasingly, never even knew. I became stronger, the grade got easier, and soon I was chugging along like everyone else. I never had the urge to drink again. I rarely thought about the old days. They had become like an unexploded bomb buried safely in a field somewhere. Yet here I was, five years later, sitting in the dining room of the Park Lane Hotel, clutching the burning fuse.

  This was the real price of my past life: there would always be an asterisk beside my name, a maybe, a whispered aside in the producer’s office. Always. And I knew there was no way in hell a young director of photography, who knew this film was his big break, could possibly take a chance on me.

  As it turned out, another man got the job—on his own merits, I’m sure. And I don’t really know that my wild past had anything to do with the final decision. But the interview forced
me to consider that it might have. I went back through my life and stood at old crossroads, reading signposts I might have followed, listening to warnings I could have heeded, and pondering choices that, if made differently, might have led to some more successful version of myself. The more I dug into my past, the more compelling my particular life became, failure or no failure. Events and forces mingled inextricably, overlapped and carried through like patterns on a weather map, until finally it seemed that it couldn’t have been any other way.

  For the first time in years, I felt a magical intent to my life. I remembered a day in March 1974 when my madness was more fun than it later became. I had climbed the Castle Pyramid in Chichen Itza, Mexico, wearing a headband and beads and wornout jeans. I stood on the highest step, a clear wind-blown ledge that looked out toward the Temple of the Warriors. It was late afternoon and there was no one around. So I sat down in my newly learned lotus position, straightened my back, and began to meditate. I uttered my mantra, felt the warm breeze push against my body, and went blank for a while. When I opened my eyes, I looked around and saw a small snakeskin rolling toward me from the shadows, a fragile, translucent promise of renewal.

  All the proofs that we are obliged to present, one after the other, of capacity for renewal, of resurrection or reawakening of being, must be taken as a coalescence of reveries.

  —GASTON BACHELARD,

  The Poetics of Space

  For where the beginning is, there shall be the end.

  —The Gospel of Saint Thomas

  1. Starting at the Bottom Again

  IN 1996, AS I NEARED the end of my time in the film business, I began to notice an unusual preponderance of twenty-somethings running around movie sets, barking “Quiet!” and “Rolling!” and “Freeze!” the way prison guards yell at convicts during a lockdown. As they positioned themselves for a scramble up what they obviously had been taught was some kind of industry pyramid, I could detect nothing in their expressions that admitted to ignorance or suggested curiosity. This made me, at age fifty-six, with experience to share and things to teach, feel invisible.

  I was ready for something new.

  One day, on the set of a movie called Cop Land, I encountered a fellow whom I will call here “Arturo Has No Past.” Arturo’s features and skin color suggested he might be Filipino; he wore his shiny black hair in two shoulder-length braids. He worked as a loader in the camera department. I had noticed him scurrying on and off the set, lugging lens cases, and delivering fresh film magazines as needed. He was a union member in his midthirties, but he behaved like an intern—moving too fast in tight spaces and garnering more attention with his overly earnest behavior than his position on the pyramid warranted.

  I first spoke to Arturo outside the sheriff’s office set, where we had spent the whole of that August morning filming a heated scene between Robert De Niro and Sylvester Stallone. I was feeling a little deranged, having been caged for six hours in a ten-by-ten-foot office with two megastars who were consciously cultivating their rhinoceros-like personas. The stars’ combined coterie of makeup artists, hairdressers, wardrobe specialists, bodyguards, and sycophantic studio executives had been sucking up most of the available oxygen. I had been fantasizing about shotgunning Sly Stallone and simply running out the door into some new future. The last thing I wanted to see, when I stepped outside for a bottle of water, was Arturo sitting on the plastic ice chest, chatting up a pretty extra.

  “Get up,” I said, jerking my thumb at him. Arturo leapt to his feet, opened the cooler, and grabbed an Evian. He uncapped it and offered me the bottle.

  “Hoka hey,” he said.

  Having recently read about the famous Sioux warrior Crazy Horse, I recognized this to be a Native American greeting.

  “Hoka hey,” I said to Arturo, raising the bottle of Evian in salutation.

  It is perhaps proof of my hunger for something new that I stood there in the shade, contentedly drinking water with pigtailed Arturo, whom I figured I had misjudged and now took to be a Lakota Indian (which would explain, I thought, his undisguised earnestness, if not his Filipino features and his Italian first name). I listened while Arturo entertained the pretty extra with stories of skydiving. By his own account he had made about 150 free-fall jumps. After describing the exhilaration of a long free fall, he turned to me and suggested, somewhat patronizingly, that maybe I would like to try jumping. I told him that I had already made well over six hundred jumps back in the early 1960s, before going to college. “I used to teach the sport, back in the day,” I said, winking at the pretty extra.

  Arturo had pretended not to be impressed. But over the course of a few days, my skydiving credentials kept us talking and eventually gave me an opening to pump him for information about his people.

  On days when I gave Arturo a ride from our New Jersey location back into the city, where we both lived, I would bug him to tell me about Lakota rituals and life on the reservation. Arturo’s answers, always slightly mysterious and tinged with an inexplicable reticence, intrigued the hell out of me. He was not entirely forthcoming about his Native identity, as if somehow the information he held so close to his chest was meant only for privileged ears. I was a sucker for such innuendo—anything to relieve the stifling boredom of a movie set. But I also had a genuine curiosity about the Lakota people, and I soon learned that Arturo’s father was a medicine man on the Pine Ridge Reservation in South Dakota, and his grandmother was a medicine woman.

  I began to see an opening into a new world, but I did not yet know what kind of opening and what kind of new world.

  One evening, as we approached the inbound tollbooths on the George Washington Bridge, Arturo showed me the still-raw-looking scars on his pectoral muscles, where his pierced flesh had ripped as he broke free from the tree of life during a ceremonial sun dance presided over by his father. He talked of completing a prayer ritual called hanblecheya, which translates as “crying for a dream” and is popularly known as a vision quest. The ritual, he explained, involved being taken “up the hill” by his medicine man father and being made to sit alone on a blanket in the wilderness for four days and nights, without food or water. I had read about that practice in Black Elk Speaks, by John G. Neihardt, years ago. But that was back in the mid-1970s, when I was dabbling in spiritual things like pyramids, pendulums, crystals, and the writings of Carlos Castaneda and Emanuel Swedenborg. I had forgotten all about hanblecheya, but the ritual snapped back at me now with a new meaning. Suddenly it seemed quite compelling, even within reach.

  “That’s what I want to do,” I told Arturo. “I want to go on a hanblecheya.”

  “Then you will,” he said.

  “I want to meet your father,” I said. “I want him to take me up the hill.”

  “That can be arranged,” said Arturo.

  “When?” I asked.

  “When it’s time.” Arturo folded his arms across his chest and shut his eyes, managing to mimic the iconic stubbornness of a cigar-store Indian and avoid paying the bridge toll at the same time.

  Cop Land wrapped in October. Although Arturo and I lived two blocks from each other in Manhattan and had figured out we even frequented the same corner restaurant on Broadway, I did not see or talk to him again for months. The new year came. I took work on a morose TV series called New York Undercover. During location filming in back alleys, jail cells, and dingy piano bars, I kept fantasizing about being led up the hill by Arturo’s wise old medicine-man father. I envisioned him saying prayers over me and leaving me to sit on a blanket in a treeless area that looked like the high desert in California. I pictured visitations by coyotes, mountain lions, and snakes, and wondered if they would speak to me, as I had heard that animal spirits speak to seekers of wisdom. While it all seemed slightly ridiculous, I found myself returning to the imagined scene again and again, the way other people might daydream about a vacation at the golf course in Augusta. I felt drawn to it magnetically, as if I were putting myself in the way of a fast-approaching event t
hat was meant to be.

  By March, however, the fantasy had begun to fade from repeated exposure.

  In early April, I ran into Arturo at the post office on 83rd Street. “Hoka hey,” I said. “When am I going up the hill?”

  “Never ask me that again,” he said. “Never. If it’s meant to be, it will be.” He made a sign with his right hand that seemed ridiculously imitative of the “How!” gesture in old Hollywood westerns. Then he turned and walked away. Even as a child I had found that gesture off-putting and wooden. I began to wonder about Arturo.

  When the month of May went by without a word from him, I wrote him off as a charlatan and made tentative plans to take a July vacation in Mexico with Angie, my new live-in girlfriend who was twenty-three years my junior.

  One Friday evening in late June, having dragged myself home after a killer week on New York Undercover, I checked my messages. There was only one: “Hoka hey. Get ready. We leave in four days. No sex, starting tomorrow.”

  After persuading Angie to postpone our vacation, I bought a three-hundred-dollar Pendleton blanket from Camps and Trails and began preparing my tobacco ties in the manner Arturo had prescribed over the phone. I was to string together seven hundred two-inch squares of folded broadcloth (seven colors in all), each square containing a few fingers full of tobacco. The resulting 150-foot string of ties was to be wrapped around a piece of cardboard, so it wouldn’t tangle as it was being unwrapped when I was up the hill.

  “Tangles,” Arturo had warned, “portend catastrophe.”

  …

  On the drive to South Dakota, Arturo slept and meditated in the front seat of my 1987 Honda Accord. Miffed by my insistence that he wear a seat belt, he hardly spoke to me. Occasionally I would ask him questions.

  “What if coyotes surround you when you’re up the hill?”

  “Pray.”